One thing I've never shared before is...
This is hard because I've never shared this so publicly. I have a difficult time talking about it even with those close to me. But lately, it's been tugging at me to share.
I have PTSD & as a result, a sleuth of other mental struggles.
I don't want to get into the details, but here's what I do have to say
For most of my life, others have expected this would consume me. I'd end up as dead weight, living off others, too overwhelmed with life to function. And tho I do have days like that, I don't let them become my everyday norm.
Today, when people hear my story about how someone so close to me nearly took my life at such a young age, I always hear, "wow, but look at you now. You're doing so good."
Well, you're damn right I'm doing good. Just because someone had the nerve to hurt me doesn't mean I'm letting that stop me. NO. I'm using it as motivation to be my best. I'm using it to help others who hurt as I do. I want to use it to raise awareness about the aftermath of abuse and mental illness.
Though I might be doing good, it hurts every. Single. Day. It breaks my heart. Those people are right; it does consume me.
I think about what happened every day. And I do mean every single day.
It's become my instinct to question the actions of everyone.
I have a very difficult time trusting. It's something I have to work hard on.
I jump at every little noise. I don't even realize I do.
My brain's flight or fight response is turned on for life.
That makes me a bit uptight.⠀⠀
I have terrible anxiety.⠀⠀⠀
I hate the idea of being alone.
But, I'm also afraid of people I don't know.
I can't be in the dark without having a panic attack.
I have to talk myself through using public bathrooms. "It's okay; no one can hurt you. Really, this is silly. It's just a freaking bathroom. Go on. You really gotta go. It's not that bad."
I have spent my life thinking I am less than good enough. But in this last year (upon seeing a therapist who truly cares about me) I have worked to change those thoughts.
I am good enough.
I deserve to be happy.
I'm allowed to chase after my dreams.
I do not deserve toxic/abusive people in my life (something I unconsciously attracted due to my past.)
I deserve respect.
I deserve kindness.
And I [shouldn't] will never let someone treat me as such again.
If you have gone/ are going through something horrible; I want [need] you to know that you, too, are fucking good enough. It is NOT you. You did nothing to deserve what happened. You are worthy of a good future. NEVER forget it. Say it every day. Write it on your wall. Do what you need to remember that.
Don't let it stop you from living.
Living is the best revenge.